Holy Profit Medical Center Named Top One Hundred (Thousand) Hospital.
“Holy Profit Medical Center” is a series of fake, satirical press releases and news articles from an imaginary hospital. . .
Holy Profit Medical Center is proud to announce that it has been named to the prestigious list of “Top One-Hundred (thousand)” Hospitals in the country. HPMC was specifically honored in the area of ENT diseases, subset ear disease, subsection ear wax removal. “We are very honored to be named to this prestigious list of top 100 (thousand) hospitals. We are proud of the way our hospital has performed over these past few years” said Haywood Jabuzoff, manager of the ear wax removal center. “Specifically the Top 100 (thousand) panel noted that our survival rates for cerumen disimpaction (ear wax removal) are approaching 90 percent, which was finally enough to get us onto this prestigious list. But we are not satisfied, we have continued to work and have already seen our survival numbers rising to 92 percent so far this year!”
The Top 100 (thousand) list is compiled every year by The Organization of Paper Magazines That Nobody Reads Anymore. As The Organization found themselves with increasing amounts of free time on their hands, they decided that their time might be better spent reviewing yearly hospital data to determine areas where some hospitals might not be particularly horrible. For a small fee, they then allow the hospitals to brand themselves as a “Top 100 (thousand)” hospital.
“I think they deserve it”, said Betsy Dupenstein, who was recently a patient at The Holy Profit Medical Center. ” I’m alive today because of the amazing care I got at Holy Profit” said Betsy. “I seen that there sign on the highway that Holy Profit is now a Top 100 (thousand) hospital, so when I needed to have a knee surgery, that’s where I went. I don’t think I would have ever survived that heart attack and blood clot I had after the surgery if it wasnt for me being at one of the best 100 hospitals in this here country!”