Holy Profit Medical Center Helps Cover the Uninsured

“Holy Profit Medical Center” is a series of fake satirical press releases and news articles from an imaginary hospital. . . 

In an effort to do our part during this “Cover the Uninsured Week”, Holy Profit Medical Center has announced a new initiative to vastly improve medical coverage in our community.

“Many patients simply do not have the money to purchase insurance policies for themselves or their families.”  said Holly Peebody, Assistant Director in Charge of Managing Things Not Important Enough for the Director To Manage Himself. “Yet these very same people  have too much money to qualify for medicaid coverage, this is simply an unacceptable situation.”
Fortunately the hardworking staff at HPMC have come up with a solution.  “We put our heads together and decided innovation was the answer. We  used  advanced brainstorming techniques, that we learned in correspondence school and came up with an amazing solution.”
HPMC’s new plan, called  “Health of Medicine, Wealth Reduction and Education for Care” or HomeWrec, allows patients to offload all of their burdensome financial assets that do nothing but artificially prop up their net worth. This then allows them to qualify for medicaid and other government assistance programs. The program also offers other unique advantages:

  • People will no longer ask you to lend them money.
  • You no longer have to deal with the hassles that come with income, such as taxes.
  • You will no longer have to deal with the burdens of home maintenance.
  • Patients are cured of the anxiety of having too much money to qualify for government aid, also known as Acute Overwealth Anxiety Syndrome (AWOS), which is a serious and debilitating syndrome we made up five minutes ago.

“It’s such a simple solution we were surprised no one thought of it before!” said Ms. Peebody, who has since been promoted to Associate Director in Charge of Telling Other People to do Things. “We streamlined the whole process and take care of all the paperwork. Within a matter of a few weeks we have successfully removed all of the patients burdensome wealthiness and transferred it to the WHA (Wealth Holding Area).
The initial reaction has been encouraging. Mr. Jones, one of the first patients to sign up for the program said, “At first I was confused. But the way they explained it to me, they said it was a win-win. First it was a win for them. Then I guess it was another win for them, and that way nobody loses. But wait, er,well . . . nothing. So where am I supposed to stay now?”

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