Top 5 Things You Don’t Know About Your Doctor.

 

1. Your doctors never actually stood up, raised their right hand and took the Hippocratic Oath. If they did, they don’t remember it. The closest thing they’ve taken to a Hippocratic Oath is that time they swore they’re never again staying at that terrible hotel in Athens with lousy views of the Acropolis.

2. Your doctor’s degree of willingness to do something is inversely proportional to how happy they say they are to do it. As in “I’m happy to do that for you” = “I’m very unhappy to do that for you”. And “I’m more than happy to do that for you” = “I’m extremely unhappy to do that for you”

3. Your doctor doesn’t really know whether the respiratory illness you have is viral or bacterial. Chances are that it’s viral and you don’t need an antibiotic. But if you pester enough, you’ll probably get the antibiotic.

4. When you ask for copies of reports to be sent to your other doctors, you should not take their acknowledgment of your request as confirmation that the task will be performed. We may simply be acknowledging that yes, that would be a good idea in theory, or yes we would approve of that kind of bold initiative taking. However, the back and forth motions of our heads may also just be due to migraines brought on by filling out pre-authorizations for nasal sprays.

5. Your doctor lives in deathly, livid, morbid fear that you are going to sue them, put them in prison, infest their home with termites, send their kids to sanitize sweatshop latrines in China, and send them videos of you partying with their significant other on a yacht in the Mediterranean. That is why you are having your 4th stress test in 2 weeks.

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