Diagnosis Texting

The Holy Profit Medical Center: Diagnosis Texting

“Holy Profit Medical Center” is a  series  of  fake satirical press releases and news articles  from an imaginary hospital. . . 

The Holy Profit Medical Center today announced a revolutionary new way of reaching out and communicating with our patients, by delivering test results via text message.

“Our patients are hip, mobile, on the cutting edge. We want to be the medical system that works the same way,” said HPMC President.  “These sophisticated consumers of medical care often do not have time to stop in at their doctor’s office to hear about the various mundane aspects of their diagnoses, they see the physician as more of a middleman. These sophisticated patients prefer to simply get the diagnosis from the physician,  and then make treatment decisions in the manner in which they are accustomed, via the internet”

“I was astonished when my echocardiogram showed that my ejection fraction was only 55 to 60 percent” said Jennifer Bestbud one of the first to sign up for the program. “First of all, it’s like, which one is it, 55 percent or 60 percent? I immediately demanded an appointment with a cardiologist to find out the exact number. How can I continue my high impact zumba dancing with only 60 percent cardiac function!” she said. “I then contacted my herbologist who started me on a regimen of organically grown watermelon seed extract mixed with purified bald eagle droppings. He assured me that we could get that number up to at least 85%”

The program has also created a lot of buzz amongst physicians. “This is the perfect marriage between technology and my desire to speak with patients as little as possible” said Dr. Seeless Butz. “Many of my patients are already texting through much of their visit with me anyway. This way I can get in a few points, and they can text me back questions while we are in the room together. It’s communication in real-time that has just never been possible before! Why just the other day, I saw a patient with a mass. I found it very convenient to simply text her with the message ITYMHC 🙂 (I think you might have cancer :). When she responded with ‘wth’, I expressed my empathy by texting her links to the suicide hot line and Lance Armstrong’s twitter page. We can save lives one text at a time, and that’s what being a doctor at The Holy Profit Medical Center is all about.”